My Shitty Life Called Nora

“I think I need to see a psychiatrist.” Words I never expected to hear from me out loud. But I said it. Yes I did. Good thing I’m inside a moving vehicle. No one to see me bawling my eyes out, just after listening to Anne Hathaway’s version of  "A chorus line". “ My fantasy was that it was an Indian Chief... And he'd say to me, "Maggie, do you wanna dance?" And I'd say, "Daddy, I would love to dance. " That’s it. The few small words. With a sound of hope, and a glimmer of wanting, that broke me. First it was a heavy heart, and then few tears fell down from my cheeks.....followed by a whole river of catastrophe!  I wasn’t like this before. I was always assured of myself. Always the person who won’t break. Even after Those evil witches in college ganged up on me and made my intern life a living hell, it never broke me. Didn’t shed a tear. I have no care for them. Nor for the profession I’m finishing college for. All I want is to finish without ...

I’m done. I give up. I cannot take it anymore. Today, I give in. Early morning again. I did not wake in my bed, like usual. I just came from work, exhausted with all the paperwork from last night. I cannot think anymore—-no. I don’t want to think anymore. Is this all it’s ever going to be? All day, everyday, working. Following orders from my boss on what to do. It’s been five years and I still don’t know what I’m doing here! But I’m really not contemplating on what my purpose is. What I’m really curious about is why I feel void of any emotions right now. It’s weird. It’s hard to explain. It’s like I’m in a black hole. And just like that, it begins to rain. Great. Just when I feel blue, you really would like to take things another notch eh? I asked Norma. But it’s just perfect. Here I am, walking in the street. Soaking wet. And no one can see my tears. Silently, I’m crying. While clutching my shoulder bag tight. No one sees me. No one listens. No one cares.

         Why is it that whenever you feel like you're finally off the ledge, life pushes you back? Further, and further to the edge. Further until all you can see is the great body of water, until all you can smell is the sea, slowly, threatening to swallow your existence, welcoming you in the great abyss. Sometimes I feel like I have no purpose in this life. I walk this earth, just to go through my day-to-day existence, with nothing to offer, and nothing to look forward to. Like living here is a goddamn curse. I feel empty inside.     And just as I am looking forward to finally see a bit of success into fruition, things happen. And once again, I see myself fail. I keep failing, I can't even count the number of times I've tried anymore! I'm a mess!     I can see myself nearing the edge. I can smell it in the air. No matter how hard I try, no matter how hard I crawl to find my space, I think I can no longer take it anymore.  ...